You Might Also Like
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok