To the max.. 😂
Sound on
You Might Also Like
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
set yourself free xox
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
