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“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.