What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
#IMustBeOldBecause I’m starting to give real world answers on my math test!
My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:
Nacho ride to your friend’s house
Me: *holding a frying pan*
Brain: hit someone with it
Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored