Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.