[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I’m too immature for adultery.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now