Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.

Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum