Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

grotesque if literal: baby food

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.