To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
good morning
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.