Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”