Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

jesus christ confetti not now

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them