Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

Thursday Thought.

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures