to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
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I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.