Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

This seems like peak sibling energy

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1852400273366323200/pu/vid/avc1/576x1024/1Tr9yOZWlaICSpCL.mp4?tag=12

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

iPhone X

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!