to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.