to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
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Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Does it…does it take 3 days
crying
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician