To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
