To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.