Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.