to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
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Mad Max Arctic Road
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
catch me on valentine’s day like
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.