To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Eat…
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin