To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
There’s only one good girl here!
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.