@HenpeckedHal: To the people who tell expectant parents to "stock up on sleep while you can," please know that's not how sleep works.
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@daemonic3: Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
@audipenny: Hey I got your text but then I died, I'll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife and I divided up the important talks we'll have with our daughters. She'll handle puberty, sex, and college. I'll handle zombies.
@david8hughes: Wife: where's the baby? Me: up on the roof Wife: THE ROOF? Me: relax. He's got sunscreen on