To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
You Might Also Like
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
*launders Kohls cash*
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
New mindset, who dis?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no