Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive