[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
You Might Also Like
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.