[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.