[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
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Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?