[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
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you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef