[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
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“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.