[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
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#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I want what they have
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
brian had himself a morning…
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”