Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.