To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
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SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some