Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

Worth the read.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.