Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

no their not

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?