Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

rip to my favourite tweet

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

no refunds

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.