Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.