Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Seems legit

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller