Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.