Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”