To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
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Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”