Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.