Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.