To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
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Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet