To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
lol
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
feetloaf
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.