To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
how DARE
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.