JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G1: “and it stinks”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I need to chat with my coworker’s husband.. If he was bangin’ her properly, we wouldn’t have to deal with her bad attitude..
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
*random dog humps my dog*
Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.