To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.