Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.