Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.