Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

“I need a synonym for equivalence.”

“Synonym.”

“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”

“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

When I can’t barge, I careen.

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable