Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

They’re really bad with fonts.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.