Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

Anyone really

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

Guys which shade of gery should I get

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)