Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

Guys which shade of gery should I get

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.