To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
You Might Also Like
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
So sorry
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex