To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
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Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
that wasn’t the question
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too