To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
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Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die