Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

How to woo a woman

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.