To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
scares
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Bros before Ohioes
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!