To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
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I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Fight
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year