(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”