Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good