Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

Lucky for them, they’re cute

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

[eulogy]

line?

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.