Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?