Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ