[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
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I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
that lip filler tho
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.