Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

my favorite gender