[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
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I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
starting a garage orchestra
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.