to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

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[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.


Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.


They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.


A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.


My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.


Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.


Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.


My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.


[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?