[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
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Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?