[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
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when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Quadruple digit IQ
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know