Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.