Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

idk flipping houses looks really hard

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.