[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*