Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”