Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

anyone else like Italian cereal

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?