Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden